


wants and charms

by bellafarallones



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Consensual Possession, M/M, Sex offscreen, Strip Poker, and how the raven queen takes advantage of it in preventing the apocalypse, au where taako casts charm person on on kravitz in crystal kingdom, kravitz is a badass who takes his job seriously but is also gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26117524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellafarallones/pseuds/bellafarallones
Summary: His limbs were limp, his scythe was propped on the couch beside him. His cloak and suit-jacket were gone, his tie draped undone around his neck, and the top three, four buttons of his shirt were undone, revealing an area of smooth chest that Taako might have appreciated more in a different situation.“You’ve ruined me, Taako,” he said.Taako blinked. “What?” He’d expected anger, at the very least, but Kravitz just sounded hollow.“I failed. You think I could show my face again to the Raven Queen after I failed to save on a charm spell from a two-bit wizard? You humiliated me.”
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 85





	wants and charms

**Author's Note:**

> thank u to my beta molly_hats. i realize that i send many text messages and a lot of them are very long and i appreciate u every day

The reaper’s face was skeletal, now, his fingers just shards of bone curled around his scythe, but his voice was still soft. Almost pleading. “Just come with me, go— come in easy, please.”

Taako raised the umbra staff and spoke softly, too. “I cast charm person.”

The force of the spell knocked Kravitz back a couple of inches, and his human face was back. For a moment he looked surprised. Then his eyes glazed over and his handsome face settled into an easy smile.

“Behind you!” said Taako, and Kravitz whirled around to see Legion crawling towards him. 

“Oh, no you  _ don’t, _ ” he muttered. Legion’s skin rippled like water where his scythe cut into it and then dissipated, the souls flowing back into the Eternal Stockade.

The Tres Horny Boys watched this through the mirror with open mouths. “How the hell did we beat this guy up before?” said Merle. 

“Those ghosts don’t know how to cast tentacles,” said Taako, watching as Kravitz performed a superfluous midair backflip, cloak swirling around him, before driving Legion back into confinement. 

And then Kravitz was back, looking at them through the sapphire mirror. 

“Uh. Hey,” said Taako.

“Hello again,” said Kravitz. “Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are, Taako?”

“You feel like helping us kick Lucas Miller’s ass?” said Magnus.

“My ass has already been kicked!” said Lucas Miller. “I don’t know what the hell is going on here!”

“Help us with the rest of this, then,” said Taako.

Kravitz looked disdainfully over at Lucas Miller, and then back at Taako. “Of course. What are friends for?”

And then he hefted his scythe and tore a hole in reality. This close the rift buzzed with static, but he stepped through looking human, rather than floating through as a ball of light. 

“Can you break that stalactite for us?” said Taako. “I think that’s the piece of the puzzle we’ve been missing.”

“I mean, I can try, but that’s not really my skill-set, and I see that your friend here has an axe.”

Magnus grumbled, but lifted Railsplitter and moved towards the stalactite containing Maureen Miller’s robot body. 

“You know, Taako,” said Kravitz. “I rarely find myself interested in mortals. But there’s just something about you…”

“Yeah, I get that a lot.”

Magnus swung Railsplitter, and a crack appeared in the stalactite. Lucas Miller winced at the noise. Another swing, and a huge chunk of crystal fell from the ceiling. Kravitz pulled Taako out of the way. 

Then robo-Maureen Miller was free. She landed on her hands and knees on the ground, stood up and started moving towards Lucas, but paused when he recoiled from her. 

Kravitz’s hand tightened on Taako’s elbow. “Would you mind terribly if I did my job?”

“You can do whatever you want to her.”

“Thank you,” said Kravitz, and his fingers lingered for a moment before he slipped away. “Maureen Miller, you are going back to the Eternal Stockade.”

The sound of a sigh coming from a robot’s voice-box speaker was unsettling. Maureen’s metal shoulders sagged. “I know. I’ll come quietly. Just… please don’t take Lucas.”

“Mom!” said Lucas. 

“I love you,” she said. “But I’m dead, and I belong in the Astral Plane. It’s not so bad. And I know we’ll see each other again.”

Lucas forced himself to his feet, dragging one leg, and threw his arms around her. His blood smeared on her metal chassis. “I love you,” he said. “I missed you so much.”

“I know,” said Maureen, stroking his hair. He’d made those hands, those robotic hands delicate enough to convey a mother’s love. “But I need to go. I saw things… things no person should see.”

“Hey, can we get the philosopher’s stone before you go?” said Magnus.

Maureen’s face hardened. “Why should I give it to you? I saw you hurting Lucas.”

“Because we’re trying to stop this kind of thing from happening again!” said Magnus, gesturing towards the crystal and broken robots. 

There was a moment’s pause. “Catch,” said Maureen, and tossed him the philosopher’s stone. 

“It’s time to go.” Kravitz offered her his arm as politely as a gentleman escorting a lady to a ball, and she peeled her son off and took it. With his other hand he tore another rift into reality and helped her through it. He stayed back a moment, turned to Taako. “I hope we see each other again, Taako. I’d love to get to know you better.”

“Uh, yeah, sure thing, bone man.”

Kravitz’s smile was as dazzling as the static of the void. Then the rift closed.

“Are you sure you cast that charm person correctly?” said Magnus. “He’s not acting like Klarg did. He’s, like…  _ horny  _ for you.”

“Maybe it just works differently on undead divine emissaries! I promise you, magically compelling hot guys to hit on me is too creepy even for me.” 

“I just hope he’s not too pissed when it wears off,” said Merle.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine. I mean, what is he, Death? What can he do to us, anyway?”

\--

After Refuge, Taako was almost too exhausted to notice the silhouette of the man sitting on the couch. Almost. But when he flicked the lights on, umbra staff raised for a fight, he almost dropped it in surprise. 

Kravitz was a  _ mess.  _ His limbs were limp, his scythe was propped on the couch beside him. His cloak and suit-jacket were gone, his tie draped undone around his neck, and the top three, four buttons of his shirt were undone, revealing an area of smooth chest that Taako might have appreciated more in a different situation.

“You’ve ruined me, Taako,” he said. 

Taako blinked. “What?” He’d expected anger, at the very least, but Kravitz just sounded hollow. 

“I failed. You think I could show my face again to the Raven Queen after I failed to save on a charm spell from a two-bit wizard? You  _ humiliated  _ me.”

“Uh, I’m sorry? I didn’t want to get sent to death prison for all eternity? Are you gonna do that, by the way? Because I’d really like to have my friends with me if we’re all gonna get killed.”

“No. Didn’t you hear me? I’m not a reaper anymore.”

“ _ What? _ ”

“And you’re literally the only living person I know, so here I am.”

“Alright. Do you want something to drink? Can you drink?”

“Yes, please, and yes.”

Taako went to the kitchen, poured two glasses of red wine, and returned to the couch with the bottle. Why did Bureau of Balance apartments come with wine glasses? He knew for a  _ fact  _ that he hadn’t bought these, and he knew his knucklehead suitemates would never.

Kravitz accepted a glass and took a sip. “Thank you,” he said. “So, where have you been? I tried to track you down before, but my powers do not extend through time.”

“Yeah. We got stuck in this time loop.”

“Did anyone happen to die in the loop?”

“Yeah. Us, and also a whole town, died and came back to life over and over again until we got in there and fixed things. We also now apparently work for Istus?”

Kravitz tapped his nails thoughtfully on the side of his glass. “Goddess of fate?”

“The very same.”

Taako poured them each a second glass of wine. It was very good wine, a gift from Avi, and he hoped that Kravitz was sophisticated enough to appreciate that. 

“So, uh. You said some stuff when you were charmed,” said Taako conversationally.

“That spell lasted a whole hour; you’ll have to be more specific.”

“Nobody else I’ve charmed was quite so… flirtatious.”

“Ah, yes. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“Hey, no worries. You weren’t in your right mind, and I could have told you to stop.”

Kravitz sipped thoughtfully. “This isn’t how I thought this would go.”

“Yeah? What were you hoping for?”

“I was, until very recently, the Raven Queen’s reaper. Now I am yours.”

“You want to  _ work  _ for me?”

“I don’t  _ want _ anything. I  _ do  _ work for you.”

“Is this some kind of reaper code of honor thing? Like, I defeated you and now you’re bound to me? Because if that’s the case, much as I love bossing people around, I am not into it and you have my full permission to go live your life however you see fit.”

“It’s not that. You’re not - oppressing me, somehow, if that’s what you’re worried about. Look, do you want me or not?”

“Okay. Uh. If you feel like doing ol’ Taako a favor, you could… uh.” Taako met Kravitz’s gaze, which was intense but not uncomfortable. Even in human form his eyes were reddish and unnaturally bright. 

Kravitz stayed silent. 

“Do you think you could find out if I’m wanted for murder in Glamour Springs? I’m pretty sure I am, but I didn’t, like… do it on purpose. And I can’t go back and check myself for obvious reasons.”

Kravitz stood up so quickly that Taako startled. “If there’s an arrest warrant or something for you, would you like me to destroy it?”

“Uh, yeah. That’d be great, actually.”

Kravitz buttoned his shirt and deftly re-tied his tie, perfect even without the benefit of a mirror. Now he was as stiff and dignified as Taako had first seen him. “I’ll see what I can do,” he said, and scythed out of the room.

Taako slumped farther down on the couch. Now that Kravitz was gone, he wished he’d pressed him. Was Kravitz as into him as his charmed behavior would suggest? If he had actually defected from the Raven Queen out of embarrassment, would another reaper come track him down and be mad at Taako for harbouring him?

“Kravitz?” he said out loud, but of course there was no response.

\--

The next morning Taako woke up to Magnus shaking his shoulder. 

“Hey! Hey! Hands off the merchandise, big guy!” said Taako, slapping Magnus’s hand away.

“There’s a reaper at the kitchen table and he says he’s with you!” Magnus hissed.

“Oh, yeah.” Taako adjusted the blankets around his shoulders. “Bone daddy works for me now, apparently. Guess I’m just  _ that  _ irresistible.”

“Or you’re really bad at casting charm spells.”

“He’s not still charmed, not like Klarg is. Look, it’s just. I don’t really understand it myself.”

“Taako,” came a low voice from the doorway. Kravitz was standing there, immaculately dressed once again. His suit was dark blue, with iridescent threads woven throughout. At least six tiny blue gems ornamented each ear. Magnus jumped away from Taako’s bed. “Do you want to know what I found?” Kravitz continued.

“Magnus, get out. And close the door behind you.” 

Kravitz stood aside to let Magnus pass. 

“I like your look, man,” said Taako, slipping out of bed. Cold air on his skin reminded him that he was wearing only a pair of very short shorts. “Blue is a good color on you. Not that black wasn’t.”

“Thank you. Being a reaper really limited my color choices.” Kravitz’s gaze slipped down Taako’s bare legs, and then snapped back up to his face. “You are no longer wanted for murder in Glamour Springs.”

“Oh, shit. What did you do?”

“Technically you weren’t wanted for murder; they had summoned you and your associate to appear in front of a grand jury to decide whether or not to indict, but as neither of you could be found… I stole all the paperwork I could find related to the case.” Kravitz produced a manila folder. “Do you want it?”

“No. You can keep that. Or burn it, I don’t care. Thanks, buddy. I really appreciate it. Do you - the next time the boys and I go on a mission like the one we were on for the philosopher’s stone, do you want to come with?”

Kravitz’s earrings flashed as he inclined his head. “Yes, please.”

“In that case, I’m gonna get dressed and then go tell my boss.”

Kravitz nodded and turned to leave the room.

“You want breakfast? I make a mean omelet.”

Kravitz paused in the doorway. “If you’re sure you don’t mind. I’d like that.”

It turned out that the Grim Reaper (“ _ former  _ reaper,” Kravitz reminded him) liked green pepper and swiss in his omelet, and Lucretia looked uncomfortable but could not come up with a good reason why Kravitz wouldn’t be an asset on their next mission.

\--

It was one of their rare evenings off from training, Magnus and Merle were off doing who-knows-what, and Taako and Kravitz were sitting across from each other at the kitchen table. Taako was down to his underwear, and Kravitz was fully clothed. 

Taako considered his hand (bad) and shivered. He had been the one to suggest strip poker in the first place, but he’d been hoping for a different result. 

“Do you want to start betting something else?” said Kravitz. “We’ll call it a new game; you can get dressed again if you want.”

“Do you want me to put my clothes back on?”

Kravitz’s mouth twitched up into a smile. “No, but I also don’t want you to be cold.”

“You’re very considerate,” said Taako, and bent over to pick up his purple cloak from where he’d tossed it on the floor. He pulled it on without bothering to put a shirt on underneath. “Okay, other things we could bet. If you win, I’ll cook you whatever you want the next chance we get. If I win… you’ll clean my room for me. Or we could bet kisses, if you’d like.”

“I think the second option would be more interesting.” Kravitz, busy collecting and reshuffling the cards, didn’t meet Taako’s eye as he said it.

“Alright. So when you lose you have to get over here and kiss me.”

Kravitz’s hands didn’t pause in shuffling as he looked up, eyebrows raised. Of course he was clever with his hands. “When  _ I  _ lose?”

After Taako lost the first round, he and Kravitz spent a moment just looking at each other. Kravitz wetted his lips with his tongue. “I’m sure this is a terrible punishment for you,” he said dryly.

Taako stood up. “Yeah, right. Prepare your lips because I’m coming over there.”

He had meant the first kiss to be quick. But Kravitz held him close by the hem of his cloak, and when he pulled away there was  _ want  _ in his eyes. His unnatural silence made Taako’s own breaths deafening. Taako kissed him again, shivered at the sudden cold of Kravitz’s open mouth. 

“I’m starting to think you’re not so invested in this card game,” said Taako, slipping into Kravitz’s lap.

“If you wanted to kiss me, you could have just asked.” Kravitz’s lips were freezing against the skin of Taako’s neck. 

“We make up intricate rituals to touch the skin of other men.”

Kravitz tugged Taako flush against his chest and just held him for a moment. “We do.”

Taako sighed. “I do want you to kiss me. I even have a bed, if you’d prefer somewhere more comfortable.”

Kravitz made a noncommittal noise and went back to kissing him. But something nagged at the back of Taako’s mind. “Wait.”

Kravitz pulled back instantly. “Yeah?”

“Hey. I just wanted to check in because, y’know, you decided for whatever reason you were sworn to follow me around after I charmed you that one time, which by the way I still don’t totally understand. And I just need to know that this isn’t about that, because I don’t want to pressure you into anything you’re not totally into and we’re still totally cool either way.”

Kravitz smiled. “I’m here,” he said, indicating the room at large, “due to external factors. But I’m here,” he continued, brushing his fingertips against Taako’s cheek, “because I really, really want to be.”

\--

Taako woke up the next morning to find the right half of his body significantly chillier than the left. He sat up, but didn’t have to look far to find the cause. A very naked Kravitz was curled up in his bed, back to Taako, cuddling a pillow to his chest. 

Taako’s heart hurt. Kravitz’s face was so soft in sleep, his long eyelashes brushing against his cheeks, and Taako pushed down the urge to wrap his arms around Kravitz’s chest and hold him, body temperature be damned. 

Kravitz’s pants were on the floor, and there were raven feathers spilling out of one of the pockets. Why? It had been weeks since he’d quit being a reaper.

Taako didn’t have time to think about it. Kravitz was stirring next to him. 

“Good morning,” said Kravitz. Then he blinked and both hands flew to his head. “Oh, god, my hair.”

“Your hair’s fine,” said Taako, but Kravitz had already gotten out of bed and stood in front of the mirror. Taako leaned back against his pillows and admired the view: the muscles of Kravitz’s back, his legs, and oh, that  _ ass.  _

But too soon Kravitz snapped his fingers and he was fully clothed again, last night’s pants vanished from the floor. Today he dressed in red, another good color on him. So far,  _ every  _ color looked good on Kravitz.

His suit was crisply-pressed maroon, his tie had a subtle flower pattern, and he was wearing the same black cloak he’d worn in the Miller lab. Taako noticed now that raven feathers covered the shoulders of the cloak like wispy chain mail. 

Today was a big day, after all. Today they went to Wonderland. 

\--

Four names appeared over the door into Wonderland, and Kravitz threw his arm across Magnus’s chest to stop him from rushing in. “I think I should go first, given that I’m literally unkillable.” 

Then he disappeared into the black doorway before anyone had a chance to process his possible formerly-unmentioned immortality. 

The music played, the catwalk rose from the floor, and the two elves sashayed down it. Halfway down the female elf stopped suddenly and elbowed her companion. “Hey. It’s a reaper.”

The colorful lights stalled. “How did the Raven Queen find us?” said the male elf. 

“You have to let us bargain for our souls,” said the female elf. “Play chess, or something. I know you reapers have rules. And our reason for becoming liches was, I think you’ll agree, pretty goddamn compelling.”

Kravitz swished his scythe through the air. Taako was behind him, couldn’t see his face, only his squared shoulders beneath the maroon suit. “That’s where you’re wrong. I’m not a reaper anymore, and I’m not here to reap you. I’m here to kill you.”

The two elves withdrew slender, bone-white wands from their skin-tight bodysuits. 

Kravitz dispelled his scythe, stretched one hand towards the ceiling, and clenched it into a fist. A huge beam hung with lights crashed to the ground between him and the elves. Wires sparked and went dark. Then Kravitz’s body disappeared, and the ball of light that was his soul floated into the mess of glass and filament and silicon. 

Magnus held his shield over his head, and Taako and Merle huddled close to him as they watched the walls of Wonderland fall. Concrete and rebar tore from the ground and contorted into limbs. One of the screens, lifted to face-position, flashed a pixelated mouthful of smiling teeth. 

Lydia and Edward clung to one another and blinked in the sudden sunlight. Kravitz brought his fists down and crushed them into the dirt with the remains of the palace they’d built. 

Then the rubble fell apart again. Kravitz’s humanoid form reappeared, but he was facing away from Taako, and held his scythe up towards the empty air. “You’ve seen what I can do to liches. Show yourself.”

A red-robed figure flickered into view just beyond the blade of the scythe, looking as sheepish as it could without a face. “Please,” it said. “You have to trust me. I just want to help. We need to work together to stop the apocalypse.”

Kravitz lowered his scythe. “Keep talking. What do we need to do?”

The red-robe gestured to Taako, Merle, and Magnus. “I think - Lucretia erased it from their minds.”

“Hey, the last part of that was static,” said Taako.

“Forget about them. I can understand you.” said Kravitz without looking behind him. “What is going to cause the apocalypse?”

The red robe fidgeted. “It’s the Hunger. It’ll be coming soon, but I don’t know when. I need to get my body back and get everyone else their memories.”

“Hey, Kravitz?” said Taako. “What the hell is going on? What do you mean, forget about us?”

Now Kravitz turned around. His face was gone, and the eye sockets of his skull glowed red. “Taako, you’re not in charge here.”

“I mean, you’re the one who quit your day job to follow me around, but okay.”

“I did not - that was a lie. The Raven Queen received a tipoff from Istus that you three would have something to do with the apocalypse, and after she read my report of meeting you she instructed me to continue contact in order to ensure the universe’s continued existence. Which is just what I intend to do.” He turned back to the red robe. “What next? We might not have much time.”

“I need to get to Lucretia and figure out what she’s planning.”

“Alright, now we’re getting somewhere. Now we can skip all that other shit.” He swung his scythe, but no portal appeared. “What the hell?” His voice was harsher than Taako had ever heard it.

“Yeah, Lucretia has anti-undead wards all around her office. That’s why I need my body.” The red-robe looked at Magnus, Merle, and Taako. “And once we get there I’d really like to get my friends their memories back. I can’t bear them not knowing me.”

“There might not be  _ time!”  _ Kravitz’s skeletal hands were shaking, but he collected himself, pulling his cloak closer around him and the cowl over his head. “What’s your plan for getting your body back?”

“There’s a cave, it’s just finished growing, it’ll only take a few minutes once we get there but when I get back in my body I won’t remember anything.”

“Where’s the cave?”

“Outside Phandolin, I-”

“Nevermind, there isn’t time. Just - ugh.” Kravitz stood next to the red-robe and stiffly held out the scythe. “Put your hand over mine, and think about the cave when I swing. No, you actually have to touch me, don’t hover-hand. I don’t bite.”

The red-robe sprung away from Kravitz as soon as the rift opened. Taako realized with a start that it was  _ afraid  _ of him. The red-robe slipped through, and then Magnus and Merle. Kravitz extended a hand to Taako, like he’d extended it to Maureen in the Miller lab, and Taako stared. The tiny, delicate bones of his fingers hung disconnected in midair. 

“I’m sorry I lied,” said Kravitz softly. His skull face betrayed no emotion. “The rest of it was real, though.”

Taako laid his hand on the floating bones and let Kravitz support him as he stepped through. 

The cave turned out to be full of bookshelves and comfortable chairs, unlit torches on the wall. The red-robe was busy at the base of a huge pod full of translucent green liquid, the silhouette of a humanoid form visible inside. Then it laid a gold coin on the table and lit the torches with a few easy fireballs. “I won’t have darkvision when I get out,” it explained.

“Oh, thank Pan,” Magnus murmured. He’d been clinging to Merle to avoid tripping in the pitch black. 

“If you won’t remember anything when you get into your body, can you tell us what we need to do when we get to Lucretia’s private quarters?” said Kravitz. “And how will  _ I  _ get in?”

The red robe fidgeted. “The last time I got in I had to possess someone.”

Kravitz whirled around to face Taako. His face was back now, looking pleading. “So, uh. Taako. I know I said a lot of things just now, and I was hoping we’d get to talk about it later, because I really  _ do  _ like you, and I meant the stuff I said... last night... it’s just. Stopping the apocalypse is really priority number one for me right now. So I was really hoping you wouldn’t mind if I, uh, possessed you. Just for a little bit.”

“Hell no!”

“You can possess me if you want,” said Merle.

“Nope. Not that.” Taako hip-checked Merle aside and moved closer to Kravitz. “Get inside me, bone boy.”

“Thank you,” said Kravitz. His hand lingered for a moment on Taako’s shoulder before he vanished. 

A glowing orb disappeared into Taako’s chest. Then he felt a weight in the back of his mind, and Kravitz’s voice with a tinge of a smile. 

_ I wasn’t going to say this in front of everyone else, but it’s really only fair. You’ve been inside me, after all.  _

Taako snorted. Magnus and Merle looked oddly at him. “Oh, nothing. Bone boy just thinks he’s a real goddamn comedian.”

“So for the alive people among us, what’s the plan?” said Merle.

The red-robe chose his words carefully. “Get to Lucretia’s private quarters. Break whatever’s protecting her from liches. Search for… other stuff. It’ll be good having the reaper helping us.”

“His name’s Kravitz,” said Taako. “I guess he never said. We don’t know your name, either.”

The red-robe squared its shoulders and faced the body inside the pod. “My name is Barry Bluejeans.”

**Author's Note:**

> after this they get everyone's memories back and save the world and uhhh finish falling in love


End file.
